how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
