i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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