His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
