My girlfriend figured out who you are.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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