I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
