He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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