but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
