after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
