He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
