My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
