Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
