She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
