I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
