Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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