First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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