Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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