i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Be still, my beating vagina.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize