dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
