probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
