if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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