then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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