WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
