So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
