thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Someone shit on the floor
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
