Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He better not be in your backpack
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
