I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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