The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
