i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
