My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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