24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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