It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dick very happy bro
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
