im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
