She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
