We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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