Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
