Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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