he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
