life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
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