Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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