Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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