I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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