I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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