the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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