HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
