The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
