tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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