Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
