My first STD was from a foam party
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
