Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
