my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
so much tequila, so little girl.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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