Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Randomize
