So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
