i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
