woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
