I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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