my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
