2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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