apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
