She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
