Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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