Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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