Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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