how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
