Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
