I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
