thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
