so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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