Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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