I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
