Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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