I will die if light touches me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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