Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
