His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He? As in you personified your dick?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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