she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
